Working Mama

I always thought I would be a working mom. Staying at home sounded boring, monotonous, unfulfilling. I didn't go to college and then graduate school just to spend my days sitting around the house with a baby.

And then I had a baby. And I tried to be on maternity leave. And I realized I have a serious problem: I am obsessed with work.

I want to be a rockstar at work, 100% of the time, and if I'm not kicking ass and taking names, I feel like I'm failing at my job. And I just can't do both... I can't rock at my job and rock at being a mom.

On days I'm at home with Henry, I obsessively check my email, work during his naps, and worry that I'm missing out on something Important. When I'm at work, I'm frustrated knowing Henry is being cared for by a stranger. He's missing out on being loved by his parents, he's getting bottles instead of breastfeeding, and he's not napping. Poor guy comes home exhausted and ends up asleep for the night by 5:30. Which means I'm rushing out of the office trying to make sure I get to see him before bed.

By no means is it an ideal situation. But I also realize how privileged I am. I only work 20 hours a week. We can afford for me to work 20 hours a week. I have a wonderful boss and supportive office. I love the work I am doing. And yet, I still feel as though something has to give. I don't want to spend the next 18 years doing the awkward work/stay home finding balance dance. I want to be there for Henry now and as he continues to grow and change and need me.

I am so lucky that I can choose between advancing in my career and being home with my child, but I hate feeling like I have to make a choice. I want to do both - but I know myself. I know that I can't just toe the line and live in both worlds. I want to be all in or all out, and I'm leaning towards being all out. I want to pour my energy into my family, and I want to figure out how to do it well, without the pull and strain of my work.

If only there were easy answers to the hard questions in life.

Teaching my first workshop tonight. Well, not really my first - but the first one I've done solo. Unfortunately, my audience is a bunch of administrators who are getting their principal certification from SPU. Tough crowd.

Wish me luck.

It's snowing here in Seattle.
So much so that SPU closed for the day.
One of the many benefits of working in Education :)

This weekend has been lame.

Jon and I have both been working overtime - although I have actually gotten to enjoy my weekend. Jon on the other hand, wrapped up this week with 65 hours under his belt - and he's at the office again today.

I'm fully immersed in the quarter now, with four weeks down and seven more to go. Then I'll have three weeks of freedom in December, and the rest of the year will be a full blown sprint towards graduation.

Since Jon's at work today (with the car), I've been cleaning like crazy. Our house has been falling apart the last couple weeks, since most nights neither one of us is home before 10pm. I got out my fall tablecloth, put a wreath up, and have generally trying to make our place feel a little more homey. It's hard when there's no budget for house decorations, and no time to get creative with what we have.

We're taking a mini-vacation at the end of October to try and recover from this awful month. It's nice to have something to look forward to.

Tomorrow I'm heading up to Lopez Island for an overnight retreat with my office. I guess that's one of the benefits to working on an all-female staff.

I'm feeling a bit nervous though. I'm still the new girl, and spending 36 hours straight in a small cabin on a small island is a little intense. Hopefully it all goes well...

Everything is official at my new job. I moved in to my office yesterday.

This morning, I'm doing some frantic paper writing before my brother gets here and we leave to catch the ferry for our weekend camping adventure. It's supposed to be in the low 60's and raining all weekend, so by "camping adventure" I mean weekend of doom.

But I will be with my family, so perhaps that will make up for the awful weather.

I'm done.

It feels surreal. I really am quite attached to my co-workers. I wish I could take them with me.

Today is the big day!

Only 6 hours left...

Tomorrow is my last day at SU.

It feels bittersweet. I've made a lot of good friends here the past two years, and it's going to be really hard to leave them behind. I haven't spent a ton of time with my co-workers outside of work, just the occasional happy hour/birthday/wedding/etc.., but I hope now I can make a more consious effort to see them.

I really value the relationships I have built here, and I don't want to let them fall apart just because I'm not around every day!

I knew today was going to be bad. Yesterday, I only did fun and relaxing things in hopes of feeling like I'd had a real weekend, and not just one day off. But alas, I'm utterly exhausted at 9:20, and the general weekend consensus is that the bad of working today outweighed the good of playing yesterday.

Bummer.

4 weeks until my first full week at SPU. 
3 weeks until my last day at SU.
2 weeks until my first day of class.

And only 6 weeks until a full MONTH of freedom! (and class, and household projects, but NO WORK!)

Today is the first day of my last full week at SU.
Next week, I start my new job part-time.

I am not yet feeling overwhelmed with any particular emotions, though I am excited to start this new adventure.

I've definitely been taking an academic approach while preparing for my new job. I've been reading several books about advising and counseling skills, watching a few videos (specifically from the APA), and also reviewing some resume and cover letter writing handbooks. I've also been meeting with people from my program and around campus who have experience working in career counseling. I know I will learn so much once I start working, but I might as well learn as much as I can beforehand as well.

Part-time Trophy Wife

I don't know if I mentioned this, but my new job is only four days a week... with a full month off every summer.

I still can't quite comprehend what life will be like without a five day work week. I will have a three day weekend, every weekend. I will have time to do homework while Jon is at work. I can go grocery shopping during the day when the only people in the store are stay-at-home parents with their young kids, and senior citizens (and perhaps the occasional trophy wife.) I can take a yoga class at the gym.  I can go to the DOL without taking time off work. I can make it to the Post Office before it closes! And in the winter, I can be home while it's light outside.

There is a whole world of people who do what they want during the weekdays, and I get to join them, even if it's only for one day a week. I am unbelievably excited. And of course, Jon is insanely jealous.

The harder I work the luckier I get...

I've been waiting over a week to post about this, but now that the cat is officially out of the bag, I feel comfortable sharing the news!

I got a new job.

Starting July 1st, I'll be working in the Center for Career and Calling at Seattle Pacific University. My new title is "Employer Relations & Technology Manager," and my main job functions will include working with companies and students to coordinate internships, basic career counseling (resume critiques, cover letter writing help, etc), some guest teaching, as well as managing the online job boards and website for the office.

I'm really excited about this new position. I honestly didn't think I would end up back at SPU so soon, but I knew I was ready for a more challenging role, and I literally stumbled upon this job. I'm still pinching myself a little bit, wondering how I got so lucky!

SPU is a fantastic place to work, and I'm grateful to get such an amazing opportunity there.

I'll keep you posted once I start training.

After a wonderful five day break, I went back to work today.

It's a little sad being back in the office, but the last five days have been a big blur of not enough sleep, too much sleep, too much tv, not enough movement, too hot, too cold, too many drugs, not enough drugs, etc.

It's nice to be back in a routine.

Jon has been really busy with work lately.

It's 7:30 on Thursday morning, and he's already put in 32 hours this week.  He's been working at least 2-3 hours from home every night. Since we don't get home until 6:00pm anyways, putting in another 3 hours means getting home, eating dinner, working, and then going straight to bed.

I got to work this morning at 6:30 because Jon has a deadline at 10:00 and other one at the end of the day. We commute together, so I didn't have many other options. Sadly, most of my job is reactive to the work of other people, so it's not like I can get a jump start on my day by being here at 6:30am.

So I've been sitting at my desk reading The Grapes of Wrath, which is surprisingly good.

I'm taking a break from school this quarter.

It has become clear to me that when the stress and anxiety get overwhelming, and I end up coming home after work wanting nothing more than a good cry and a glass of wine, I need to step back from school and get a handle on my life. My eyes feel so heavy that I can barely keep them open and some days I wonder how I actually make it out of bed and in to work. I'm honestly exhausted, and as much as I love my place of employment, between graduate school and my job, I don't know how much more I can take.

Hopefully the next 10 weeks of freedom will give me the energy I need to make it through the rest of my program. But I guess I'm not keeping my fingers crossed. I have never been so exhausted in my life.

Happy February.

I am going to go the ENTIRE month without blogging about my j-o-b.

So here it goes.

Today I worked 9.5 hours straight (with exception of two bathroom breaks and one coffee run).

I sent/received over 200 emails.

I got yelled at (I mean REALLY yelled at) by a professor.

I cried at my desk.

I do not get paid enough for this.

My schedule is making me crazy.

I'm about to give in and get a gym membership. I think it's the only way I can make it through the next couple months.

Work is not awesome right now. I know things will get better with time, but it's hard to stay positive when I feel the life being sucked out of me.

I wish Jon and I had a vacation planned for winter, something to be looking forward to. However, unless we get a huge tax return, an inheritance, or win the lottery, we will be sticking to our measly budget and not flying to somewhere warm for a weekend.

As busy and frustrating as things are right now, there are a lot of things in my life that I'm really excited about/thankful for/looking forward to.

• I have less than 2 years of school left. Since it is now 2010, I can finally say that I will be done with school NEXT YEAR!
• Jon and I have been very disciplined with our budgeting thus far, and I feel really good about the progress we are making.
• Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 2 is coming to me tomorrow. I'm embarassed to admit it, but I LOVE this show!
• I have been sticking to a healthy diet and excersize plan more religiously than this past year, and I am feeling a lot better already.
• I have a four day weekend coming up, and after the last few weeks of total hell, I am really looking forward to having some intense time of relaxation.
• I started a one year bible reading plan. I've been reading around 4 chapters every night before bed, and so far, I haven't missed a reading. I have confidence that I will be able to see this goal through the entire year.

ANYWAYS, I know I complain way too much on this blog. I'm trying to dedicate more time to being positive and writing about the good things.