Operation Church Hunt: Week 2

Well... Operation Church Hunt didn't go so well this week.

Jon and I were planning on going to Westside Church yesterday morning at 11:00 am. However, about one minute before it was time to leave, I started to cry. Now, for those of you who know me well, you know I do not cry very often. But I really started to cry. Tears streaming down my face, snot everywhere, etc.

Church has been a struggle for me for the past year. I've grown to absolutely dread Sunday mornings. I hated going to church, not really knowing any of my fellow church goers, and feeling utterly alone during the services. Jon was usually playing in the band, so there I was week after week worshiping alone.

When I was a kid growing up in the Methodist church, I hated going to church. I would cry and scream and refuse to get dressed and do pretty much everything I could think of to sabotage my family's church-going experience. I didn't want to be there and I made sure my parents were aware of it. The sense of dread I used to experience as a 7-year old was so similar to what I started feeling these past few months, it was scary. I felt like my walk with God was regressing and I was feeling resentment towards the church because I couldn't get a handle on my own emotions towards Sunday mornings.

Mid-breakdown yesterday morning, Jon and I started talking about what has changed. Why church has become such a chore for me. And I suddenly realized why I've been so miserable this past year. I have no family at church. To me, church has always been about being with loved ones and worshiping together. All Saints was good for a while because my closest friends were there, and I was worshiping with them. These friends had since moved on, and I was once again alone at church. I'm realizing now that what really matters is who I share church with, not what church I attend. I want to share my church experience with my best friends, with my husband, and with my family. I want to worship and learn with them. I don't want to do church alone.

I think Jon and I are going to continue at EastLake for a while. Jon's sister Jenny and her husband Sean attend. It felt like home when we went there last week. I thought it was because it reminded me of a church I went to in Beaverton. But I'm realizing now it was nothing to do with that. EastLake felt like home because we were there with family.

I feel confident that EastLake is a step in the right direction. I'm not entirely sure if it will become our permanent church home, but I'd like to give it a change. When we were there last week, it was the first time in almost a year that I felt completely comfortable, happy, and calm at church. Our family is there and that's where I want to be too.